“I don’t mean to be insensitive, but are you sure you’re doing it right?”
I’m Amber and infertility has been my toughest challenge. I created this website to provide a personal account of infertility and IVF, to help others struggling to feel less alone. I hope to provide reassurance, positivity and encourage a chuckle out of you, despite your better judgment.
A little about me and infertility….
WARNING Spolier Alert. I don't much go in for writing a suspensful plot, but if you plan on reading this website as a novel, the following paragraph will ruin all suspense. Also, I would have to recommend Hamnet by Maggie O'Farrell instead - it is just as depressing but much better written.
My infertility experience and credentials for writing this website:
A 7 year struggle, 1 pretty significant lifestyle overhaul, 3 rounds of Clomid, 1 painful HSG, multiple batches of terrible Chinese herbs, 1 fresh round of IVF, a sketchy diagnosis of PCOS, 1 failed frozen embryo transfer, 1 Covid cancelled frozen embryo round, 1 successful frozen embryo transfer, exeperience of IVF long protocol and short protocol, 1 unplanned natural pregnancy, 1 lost pregnancy at 11 weeks and two babies.
My thirties were spent trying to handle the bone crushing awfulness of infertility with good humour and grace. I failed. Instead I engaged in rage, jealousy, catastrophic meltdowns and lapses in sanity (unless vaginal steaming is a common but secret practice, which one suspects it is not).
Throughout, I craved the camaraderie of immersing myself with other depressed infertiles. I hoped to bond over a shared experience, admittedly a shit one, like Auschwitz or cancer. Statistically, infertiles should be everywhere, poised to make social encounters awkward with tales of bodily fluids and invasive tests. Yet in reality we are nowhere. Not visibly, anyway
Two thoughts consumed me:
1) Is my infertile behaviour ‘normal’, and
2) Where are all the others?
This website is me saying that I have been there, fighting the hard years without reassurance of resurrecting my stalk. As for whether my behaviour was normal, I sincerely doubt it. But will leave that to your discretion. I hope to provide a sprinkling of big fat positivity, if just for one reality suspending moment, because, boy, it's lonely at the bottom of the fertility shag pile.
“One of the best feelings I’ve ever had is to know that someone somewhere might be feeling better about life because of some marks I made on a page”
To note: In case this is not obvious from the frequency of swear words, I am not a medical professional. The content of this website is for entertainment and information only. Please consult with a medical professional (if you are able to get them on the phone, which I never could) before taking any action based on what you read.